65

On being sovereign.

I had a birthday. I turned 65.

And I am wondering how the bloody hell!!! I got here. I haven’t lived half a century. I’ve lived more. Mortality is staring at me. If I let her. I’m staring back.

I feel like turning 50 was just back around that corner. It was an exciting time, liberating, allowing me to deepen my studies in female sexuality and orgasm, participating in a high ropes course and flying off a platform 60 feet off the ground.

As I came to find out, all my kind of adventures.

With 60 I upended my life as I knew it with this big transatlantic move. Nothing went according to plan, and I felt incredibly lost. But as is my MO, I immersed myself in learning and exploring a different way of being. The land we eventually chose to live on, offered the perfect opportunity.

I had a desire to live in closer relationship with nature, feeling her cycles and feeling how they affected my body. While I was more than happy when my menstruation was finally over at 50, no more cramps or heavy bleeding, I missed the cycles it not only created in my body but also in my psyche. I knew to tune in a couple days before my period started, be extra gentle with my body, allow for time to be introspective and listen to my intuition. All that had disappeared, and all I could feel was the frantic pace of the environment I lived in.

At first it was really hard to match my still frantic being to the slow pace of my new environment. My impatience had a field day!

And then I found the perfect teacher for the exploration of slowing down I so desired, and the perfect somatic practice to sensitize my body.

Here I am. 65.   It is freeing!    I can the f*ck do what I want!

A privilege for sure. One that is not to be taken lightly. And one that needs to be lived with great discernment.

With this freedom comes responsibility. Bringing the living lineage I’m part of to my surroundings. To the land I live on, to the way I live and love, to passing on knowledge from living and experiencing challenging times and not closing my heart.

My body is aging. On good days I don’t really care. On other days looking in the mirror can send me down a rabbit hole of obsession about the inevitable changes that seem to be happening faster and faster. I get incredibly cranky! And, let me tell you, there is nothing pretty about that.

The only way I know how to break the cycle is by going inward through moving*** and becoming curious about the sensations of my body.

And with that my world, inside and out, becomes pleasurably alive and awe inspiring!

I claim my inner authority, I live from my truth, free from circumstances. I belong to myself, strong and soft at the same time. Freedom and FULFILLMENT come from detaching from the external reach for success and finding it within.

Not only do I now dance like no one’s watching when everybody is watching but I also sing on the top of my lungs!

*** A short note on movement: It’s not complicated. Pick a song without lyrics, stand there for a moment with closed eyes, feel the floor and feel how your body feels. Then start to move your hips. Maybe a circle, may left to right, make the movements smaller and bigger and then just let it rip. Your way. For one song. Then notice how you feel. Repeat the next day or at any time you feel a bit stuck.