A hot topic for a hot summer
In my work with women on the journey to feel a deeper connection to themselves, after years of putting others or their jobs first, there is an area that many feel tender talking about.
Sex.
Don’t close the email just yet. Hear me out!
I’m writing about it because over the last week this conversation asked for my attention. It came from different sides, and, as it sometimes happens, I was just baffled by the misconceptions we grow up with, and which are perpetuated in our culture because everything around sex is so taboo.
I could either rant about it or step onto the soapbox. Or I could rant on the soapbox!
I was contacted by a woman in her late forties and asked for advice about what to do to enliven her sexual relationship with her long-term partner with whom she has a beautiful, respectful, and loving partnership.
In talking with her, I noticed how deep the conditioning runs.
And as she is no exception, I would like to address some.
On Sexuality: We try to live up to expectations of a static and unchanging sexuality, that can make us feel alone, undesirable, not lovable. And often ashamed.
By learning how to take care of our orgasm, nourishing the health and wellness of our vulva and vagina (in short, our pussy) we open the gateway to deep intimacy first with ourselves, then our partners and with life.
Orgasm, what we call the climax, is just a small piece of a cycle of sensations that leads to pleasure.
And we women are built for pleasure! It is our birthright!
On Sex in a long-term relationship: There is an assumption that if we are in a loving long-term relationship, we should always feel ready and be organically aroused.
However, the erotic friction wanes after many years of being together. Especially if we are in a relationship that is full of love and respect and built on similar values. We have become too alike.
In a relationship where you don’t actually like each other, the friction is there because of the differences and possible conflict. Sex is great, passionate, turned on and …(insert your fantasy)
Did you know it is easier to re-create the erotic friction than to fix a bad relationship?!
On Arousal: Arousal waxes and wanes. We are cyclical beings as is our hormonal state and our life circumstances.
When we are still ovulating, we are often hornier right before ovulation. If we experience a lot of stress, and who doesn’t, arousal often wanes.
And on top of that there are different arousal patterns!
But how are we to know? Who teaches us?
It matters where we are in our menstruating history.
Some women, having gone through menopause feel more turned on and have more desire. Some don’t.
Arousal may also wane for your partner. After years of being together, when one experiences an illness, when you have small children or life in general is all consuming.
At the end of the day, exhausted, sex is the last thing on our mind.
Then let’s talk about how in our culture most of us are taught to have sex.
Or we may not have been taught but looked to porn for instructions.
Men are taught to have sex one way, women another. He is supposed to be the one penetrating and she always receptive.
What if this doesn’t work for either of us?
Sexual masking happens.
We pretend we like it or do it the way we are ‘supposed’ to.
And how much heartache does that create!
This is the tip of the iceberg, and each topic worthy to be elaborated on. I’m only opening the conversation so women who long for something different in their sexual partnership can find an entry point. No matter the partnership being with another person or alone.
There are ways to find a pleasure path that is desirable for you, taking all of who you are into consideration! Just ask!
Years ago, I went to a conference on Sexuality, where I met the woman who opened the first female friendly sex shop in New York in the seventies. She was an old, frail, small woman, traveling with her big ass vibrator, dispensing buttons that read:
An Orgasm a Day keeps the Doctor away!
To a healthy and vibrant life at any age!
With pleasure,
Theres
Please note that I’m talking from the point of view of a woman in a woman’s body. By no means do I want to exclude anyone! It is what I know best and have experience with.